Boots & Bullets is just about to be released, and I could NOT be happier for it to be in your hands! This project has been a long time coming, four years a long time. I started writing Boots & Bullets almost immediately after my previous book, Sweatpants & Stilettos, was released. But the book wasn’t complete until April 2018. I had a season of time between my dissertation proposal and gathering my final set of data, that I used to complete the rest of the book. Little did I know what the Lord had in store.
See, I’ve wanted to write this book, on this topic for a long time. I really felt passionately that the Lord had given me this topic of mission-mindedness for a reason. Of course, when that I was given to me, I was equally excited and terrified. Excited because I love writing and was looking forward to all the Lord would teach me in preparation for writing this book. Terrified because I knew He would be teaching me new things. New things usually mean new lessons, new life experiences and boy did those show up in spades!
While completing Boots & Bullets, I went through many stressful experiences. My health declined, my fitness routine stopped working, my friends were few and farther between (for good reason but still not fun!), and my academic and professional life was exhausting. I was running on prayer and English Breakfast tea. And the Lord was incredibly gracious towards me. He showed every time, brought new lessons, and new chapters through the struggle I was enduring. Even in this, I kept thinking this season was hard, which also made me feel like He was building me up for something harder. And He was.
The 2018-2019 academic year (and yes, my life is run in academic years, I can’t help it!) was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I was promoted (yay!) to a new role, given the opportunity to hire new staff, teaching a graduate-level course, all while completing my dissertation and defending it. Additionally, I got into a car accident one rainy night in October where my car was totaled. I shouldn’t have been able to walk away from that scene, but I did. Nothing but a little sore the next day. That same crazy night my youngest nephew entered the world, Jack Ryan Angel. I wasn’t sleeping often, wasn’t ever finding rest or peace, and continued to feel like a failure. Even still, I graduate with my doctorate, celebrated Christmas, and went to celebrate my academic success with a trip to Israel.
This life-changing trip was amazing and painful all at the same time. I saw where Jesus walked, talked, loved on his friends and others, ate meals, and prayed to God, His father. I was moved to tears often through this experience, and still am in awe of the time I was able to spend in a place that is so close to the heart of God. Close to the end of the trip, I got one of those middle-of-the-night, earth-shattering phone calls. Something was wrong.
I remember waking up suddenly, checking my phone and immediately knowing something wasn’t right. And it wasn’t. My sweet new nephew, Jack Ryan Angel, had stopped breathing at daycare a few hours ago and after six hours of CPR, my sister and her husband had to make the decision to let go of their first-born son. Jack passed away after only being with our family for 86 days. I was on the other side of the world and couldn’t do a thing about it. Couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t think, couldn’t pray, couldn’t move. I wish I could say I made it to my knees quickly, but I didn’t.
The months since Jack’s funeral have been the most difficult months I have ever endured, in every area of life. My family has been broken and doing our best to heal, but man shattered is a very hard place to come back from. In that time, it took me a long time to thank God for the life Jack was able to live with us and the joy I knew God was experiencing in having Jack with him now. I missed my sweet little nephew and the future he would have had. Only now knowing, his future is so much brighter now, and I could have imagined for him here on Earth. I went on trips, worked out a ton, and was barely making it through the day. It was during these dark and low months, that I had to go back and reread Boots & Bullets for myself. I had to return to the truths the Lord had taught me the year before, to help guide me through the dismal year I was having. I cried many, many times, and slowly but surely, I found my way back.
I have used the summer months of this year to find rest and renewal in my body, mind, and spirit. I talk more about that in my previous blog, Back on Track. I have reread the truths the Lord has done for me in the past, knowing that He would be faithful to do the same for my current and future situations. This book is a stone of remembrance for me, a point (or points) in time where I look back and see the Lord’s faithfulness written all over my life story. It wasn’t pretty, it definitely wasn’t easy or fun, but it was soul-building work. My spiritual muscles have been strengthened and my body is more equipped than ever to face the battle that is raging. Is yours? What are your stones of remembrance you use to remind yourself of God’s faithfulness? What growth have you seen since those moments? Let me know so I can celebrate with you!
Until then, keep up the good fight, friends!
